Singing Mendelssohn

Last week Carmen worked with the student conductors only, preparing them to conduct various numbers from The Elijah.  The Notre Dame Repertory Choir had a week off.  One student I saw said, "You'll get a free afternoon."  I'm sure that was a bonus in her busy life, but I missed our two sessions.

Tuesday was an unexpected challenge.  I thought Mendelssohn would be easy to sing after the Victoria motets we had been doing.  It was a different kind of challenge.  One number had just two of us on the Alto II part; fortunately the other person, a young man, has a very strong voice!

On Thursday, after a rather poor night of sleep, I was so tempted to stay home and nap.  I had already made two trips to Notre Dame chauffeuring Jim and observing a group at the Snite Museum.  Parking is always a challenge and it is quite a walk from the B1 lot to the music building. But I convinced myself to go and I was so glad I did.

The words "Cast your burden upon the Lord" and "He that endureth to the end shall be saved" just found their way into my soul.  We sang them over and over again while Carmen encouraged the student conductors to watch their stances, their cut-offs,  and their eye contact but also to be aware of the beauty of the music and relate that to us.

It is 75 minutes of absolute concentration for me.  Sight-reading the notes, following the conductor and the markings in the music, matching my vowels with others, and ending my consonants with them--there is much to think about.  The sounds we make are beautiful.  It is a joy to blend my voice with these very good, young musicians.

I am fascinated by the process of Carmen's teaching these students conducting technique but also musicianship.  She is demanding but also affirming.  I feel for them as they try to respond to her suggestions on the spot with all of us watching and learning from their interactions with her.

I continue to feel a bit sheepish to be the only "adult" let alone "senior citizen" but I try to do my part and I do this for me!  Maybe one of these days, I'll act the role of the mother (or grandmother!) and make chocolate chip cookies for them.

When I got home again, and could rest a bit, it was impossible.  The music in my head would not stop!

You never know...

On Wednesday I blogged about being a bit bored and restless.   I couldn't get motivated to do much of anything.

I had nothing scheduled for Thursday either except a dinner with Jim at night to use a gift certificate with a deadline of Saturday.  We did not have that dinner.  I cancelled our reservation from the ER where Jim was being treated for very severe pain, so severe that he was in danger of fainting in his office.

So that was my Thursday and I was busy every minute until evening.   I had driven Jim to work in the morning because of his foot pain, then later picked him after one class and driven him to another, got my passport application processed at the ND Post Office, went home for lunch--and then turned around immediately when he texted me to come to get him at his office on the 8th floor.  He was having so much pain that he felt faint and he didn't dare come down alone. The medics,  called by Jim's colleague Claire at Notre Dame, did not want me to drive him to the ER or the doctors.  He was taken by ambulance to St. Joe Medical Center.

A lovely walk at St. Joe Medical Center

The medics at ND, the ambulance crew and the staff at St. Joe were all wonderful.  Dr. Shellenberger looked at Jim and said, " You look miserable, Mr. Vanderkam," and I was so grateful to him for not acting like this was just one more case in a very busy ER.  And it was busy.  There were five ambulances and a waiting room full of people when I arrived a few minutes after Jim did.

A shot for pain gave Jim much relief and he was very grateful--and pretty mellow.  Five hours later, we left with prescriptions and instructions to contact our own Dr. Blechl and to get more testing.  Dr. Shellenberger was nice enough to want to admit Jim so he could follow through and find out what might be the cause of the pain but we were eager to go home.  Jim was pleased to watch Thursday night football at home and we both wanted to sleep in our own bed.

Jim has been very patient through this whole process of dealing with his eye problems and these severe joint problems which may actually all be related.  That is not at all clear at this point.

I was glad I got my little road trip in last week and that I was home to help him this week.  Today he is home with me all day and it is lovely to have his company in spite of the reason.  We even treated ourselves to Krispy Kreme donuts on the way home from the eye doctor appointment today.

"Sounds as if you are keeping busy...."

This is a phrase I hear from others after they ask about my retirement.  I do have activities but some days are busier than others.  It is hard to strike a balance.

This has been a week without any meeting at the Snite Art Museum, no choir meetings, and no Bible study.  Plus no special trips planned and my walking buddy Maggie is on a trip.  I spent hours reading a less than worthwhile mystery on Monday; yesterday was some shopping, a hair cut, browsing at the Notre Dame library and checking out books, and doing some cleaning and laundry.   Today there will be my Ladies' Guide to Football class and a concert this evening.  Tomorrow, as far as I know, nothing scheduled.  Friday --a lecture by Ron Hansen at ND and getting ready for the graduate students group meeting at our house.

It is not a busy life.  I look to my laptop for keeping in touch with others and that gets good results so I don't feel totally isolated.  I pursue whatever interests me when I look at Laura's blog or Facebook postings from NPR.   This morning Linda Bolt, who may be in a similar place in life,  shared  this very relevant one from the Washington Post:

What kind of value do we place on a day with nothing planned? On a day not filled with lists of accomplishments, but with peace and quiet: a long walk to a coffee shop to enjoy a book, a phone conversation with a family member with whom we’ve lost touch. Will we tell those stories, or leave them out?  There is value in both the busy days and the slow, reflective ones. There is value in finding time for oneself.
When the next person asks me what I do all day, maybe I will simply say, “Enough.”


http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2014/09/23/with-kids-off-at-school-how-i-answer-so-what-do-you-do-all-day/?tid=sm_fb

Our former pastor used to talk about "business" as a form of idolatry.  Our daughter has talked about being busy as a badge of pride--and an excuse for things that are not a priority--and maybe should be. Many folks when asked how they are will reply, "Busy."  I don't!

I wish I could be with little Sam in Pennsylvania on his 5th birthday; I wish I could help out more with Jim's mom without having to drive 60 miles each way; I wish I could help Jeff and Susan this week in New Jersey while she is gone and he is on crutches for a torn ankle ligament.  At least I am trying to be a good wife to Jim by helping out with his eye drop regime.  And I am blogging about how I feel and that always makes me feel better!

A Solo Road Trip

Wednesday, September 17
A blog mostly for me--to record memories!

Tuesday was a busy day even before I left.   I slept well Monday night and that is always a gift.  After Bible study at church (at which my journey was prayed for), lunch with my young friend Lucy at Notre Dame, and a Repertory Choir rehearsal, I hit the road at a little after two pm.

Traveling was easy because US 31 now by-passes Lakeville, LaPaz, and most important of all, the 13 traffic lights in Kokomo. Construction and heavy traffic around Indianapolis slowed me down and made me a bit apprehensive.  I turned the radio off, stayed in my lane, and eventually hit less stressful traffic south of Indy.

I arrived in Nashville, Indiana a bit after six.  With a little difficulty, I found Cornerstone Inn.  I had expected in such a tiny town that I would see it immediately.  My room on the third floor was lovely and old-fashioned.

I walked around town looking for a place to eat.  Most places were closed but the Muddy Boots Cafe fixed me a great burger to go which I ate while watching "The Roosevelts-Part 3" on public television.

One little incident during the night kept me awake for a while.  At 3 am, I tried to open a window and it opened from the top not the bottom.  I reached for it and fell from the flimsy chair--on the floor with a skinned leg.  Could have been worse!

Breakfast the next morning was fabulous--granola and yogurt, eggs, rolls, fruit, blueberry french toast--all attractively arranged.  There were several older couples eating together.  I didn't feel envious because I was having a great time and Jim was probably happier at home.

  A heavy fog made a very interesting ride to Columbus for a bus tour of the modern architecture in that relatively small city.  Several years ago, the American Institute of Architects ranked Columbus best for innovation after five big cities in the US--Boston, Washington, Chicago, New York and San Francisco.  It was fun to see works by Saarinen, father and son, and Pei--and others.  All of this was the vision of one man who gave the money to hire the best for design.  We drove past probably twenty schools, offices, manufacturing plants and toured the interiors of two churches done by the father and son Saarinen, First Christian Church and Northside Christian Church--very different and very well thought out.  I definitely was one of the younger folks on the tour; several walked with canes and one could not leave the bus.

Walking through Columbus afterwards, I glimpsed a signboard in front of a restaurant called Tre Bicchieri saying "avocado and peach salad" and thought that sounded pretty good and healthy.  I ordered one to go and ate it in my room later and it was fabulous.  And they even surprised me by throwing in bread and an olive oil dip.

Also on my "bucket list" and road trip plan was the Steele Historic Site where TC Steele lived and painted and founded the "Hoosier School" which we studied in our art museum docent training.  The grounds were lovely but I just didn't feel up to another guided tour.  Another little incident happened which could have been worse.  I got stuck turning around in a small parking area and had trouble getting out of a ditch.  But I persisted and did it!

I headed back to the inn for a nap and then to Brown County Park.  I parked by the Abe Martin Lodge and walked down two different trails into the forest but decided it was just too lonely.  What if I fell?  What if I sprained an ankle?  What if I met a stranger who was not friendly?  I got back in the car and stopped at two magnificent vistas along the road.  At the first stop, it was very quiet so I just sat at a picnic table and prayed after an audible "Wow!"

Now it's time for a glass of wine and time to call Jim.  It is so good to be able to be in contact with him with email, texting, and calls. It keeps me from being lonely on these trips.

---------------------

Thursday, September 18  (written from home)

Last night's supper was another take out--from the Artists's Colony restaurant.  It was a delicious vegetarian lasagna for which I was charged a gratuity.  I don't think I've ever had that with takeout before and I didn't like it.  But the lasagna was delicious.

Sleep came with difficulty because my hip hurt badly--the usual "got it so bad in my hip" thing--maybe arthritis, maybe bursitis--but eventually the ibuprofen kicked in and I slept well.

The joy of travelling alone is that one can make last minute decisions and this morning I did just that.  My plan was to go back to Brown County State Park and hike a bit.  But I did not feel like driving there so I headed for home, going north on lovely SR 135 through Bean Blossom (home of a bikers' convention last week and a blue-grass festival in August) and a few other small towns until I got to IN 37 towards Indy.  My trip was going so well that I decided I might try going into Indy itself.  I pulled off the road, checked my Apple map app, and found out I was only eight miles and 13 minutes from White River Park right in the downtown area.  I went for it and it was an amazingly easy ride through a heavily industrial area (why were the manholes in the road all steaming so much)?

 I parked in an underground garage and walked up two stories past a lovely water installation to the Eiteljorg Museum of American Indians and Western Art.   I thought that there was an exhibit of Victor Higgin's studio there, but the young woman at the desk did not know about it.  It didn't help that I said Victor Huggins--but that should have been close enough!  However, there it was--in the middle of the room of Taos art by Georgia O'Keefe, Walter Ufer, and others.  I was delighted.

Upstairs there was another fascinating exhibit of George Morrison, a Native American artist born in a Chippewa village near Lake Superior, and influenced greatly by that but also by his years in another village--Greenwich Village.  His career, which spanned the years from the 1940s to 2000, incorporated many styles from Realism to Abstract Expressionism.

I took a short walk along the canal and gardens behind the museum before I retrieved my car, having carefully noted where it was in that huge garage, and then bravely headed through downtown Indy looking for signs for Interstate 70.

It was an easy trip home with one stop for a Starbucks coffee and another for a restroom.  Beautiful music accompanied my travels and I was home by a little after 4 pm.

  Nashville itself was not worth the trip.  It seemed to me to be a typical tourist town with fudge shops, decorative lawn art, and "hand-made" jewelry.  The Columbus tour, however,  was everything I hoped for; Brown County Park was lovely and would be amazing during the fall color season; the Eiteljorg Museum was a serendipitous and wonderful surprise.

 50 hours of travel and about 500 miles gave me many enriching experiences.  Recording them here will help me remember!

Never say, "Never!"

I love to sing with others and I love the challenge of learning new music.  Since moving to South Bend, I have sung in two auditioned choirs but both met at night when I'd rather be home and both had pretty intense performance times.  I'm not sure I could stand or even hold music up for hours any more in order to perform.  So I haven't sung in a choir other than church choir for several years.

 With much regret, I thought that part of my life was over.  But it's not!  Last week, Jim forwarded me the usual Monday  Notre Dame announcements and I happened to see that auditions were taking place for the Notre Dame Repertory Choir.  I had heard the choir sing last spring and they sounded good in their rather short program.   And they met at lunch time twice a week.

So I boldly auditioned before four graduate students in the music program.  That in itself was an adventure. I matched sets of tones, clapped out rhythms,  sight read exercises, and then sang the alto line of "Christ Lag in Todebanden" which actually was not sightreading for me!

I waited a week before the email arrived.   Not only was I accepted--they offered me a paid position of $15 an hour.  I was delighted to be accepted but turned down the money.  I'm sure a student needed it far more than I do --after all, I do get social security and a pension!

I have now attended two rehearsals.    It was great fun.  The young voices are good--much better than mine.  We spend no time warming up or learning music.  We just sing and I was challenged to keep up as best I could.

The purpose of the Repertory Choir is to give student conductors a chance to practice their skills.  Several graduate students took turns conducting and receiving suggestions from Professor Carmen-Helena Terrez.   They were encouraged to try out what she said on the spot--and they were put on the spot.  It was really interesting to see the process of their graciously accepting criticism and improving their skills.

I am definitely the only "grown-up" in the class--let alone "senior citizen?"  But I had a great time and look forward to the next meeting.

--------------------------------

After writing this blog and waiting to post it, I had some second thoughts about being two and three times the age of everyone else in the choir.  Then I read Felicia Ackerman's letter to the editor in the New York Times and thought that maybe I was guilty of "ageism" myself!  Dear reader, what do you think?  What would you do?

Call It Ageism

September 4, 2014

To the Editor:

According to “When Did We Get So Old?” (Sunday Review, Aug. 31), “Johnathan Rodgers, who is 68, knew that it was time to step down as president and chief executive of the cable channel TV One” when he saw that he was the oldest person at the conference table.

Why is this any more of a reason for stepping down than being the darkest-skinned person at the conference table? And why accept the view of Dr. Roger Gould, a psychiatrist, that old people are “the ones the world can do without”?

As a member of the baby boom generation, which fought racism and sexism, I see no reason to knuckle under to ageism.

FELICIA NIMUE ACKERMAN
Providence, R.I., Sept. 1, 2014

The writer is a professor of philosophy at Brown University.

http://mobile.nytimes.com/2014/09/05/opinion/call-it-ageism.html

Why Do I Blog?

David Brooks wrote an oped piece "Introspective or Narcissistic" in the New York Times that answered my question in part although he is speaking about journals and not blogs:  

"People who keep a journal often see it as part of the process of self-understanding and personal growth. They don’t want insights and events to slip through their minds. They think with their fingers and have to write to process experiences and become aware of their feelings."  

(http://www.nytimes.com/2014/08/08/opinion/david-brooks-introspective-or-narcissistic.html)

Along with hundreds of others, I left a comment after quoting the paragraph above. 

I have kept a variety of journals for years. Re-reading travel journals has brought back long forgotten memories. I've shared excerpts from journals written when my children were young with them when they became parents. I've kept a "spiritual journal" with texts and prayers and insights from others that I want to benefit from again. I've kept therapy journals and those are a problem. I hate to burn them, but I don't want anyone else to find them when I am gone. I've begun destroying parts of them--many of them written in the middle of the night.

Now I blog as well. Blogging has helped me through the process of deciding to cut back on work, to retire, and now to adjust to a new way of living.

Thinking with my fingers, first with pen and paper and now with a Chromebook, has been a way of life for me. Is this narcissistic to write this comment? Maybe.

Here is more from David Brooks's piece:

People who oppose journal-keeping fear it contributes to self-absorption and narcissism. C.S. Lewis, who kept a journal at times, feared that it just aggravated sadness and reinforced neurosis....

The question is: How do you succeed in being introspective without being self-absorbed?

Psychologists and others have given some thought to this question. The upshot of their work is that there seems to be a paradox at the heart of introspection. The self is something that can be seen more accurately from a distance than from close up. The more you can yank yourself away from your own intimacy with yourself, the more reliable your self-awareness is likely to be....

When people examine themselves from too close, they often end up ruminating or oversimplifying. Rumination is like that middle-of-the-night thinking — when the rest of the world is hidden by darkness and the mind descends into a spiral of endless reaction to itself. People have repetitive thoughts, but don’t take action. Depressed ruminators end up making themselves more depressed.

I have been thinking--and ruminating--about this for a while.  I'd like to think that my blogging over the last four years has helped me through the process of changing focus on my job, cutting back on teaching,  making the decision to retire, and now adjusting to a new way of life.  Most of the entries are related to this transion.

A few nights ago, however, as I have done before when I do the rare posting of my blog on Facebook, I lay awake and wondered what I was doing and why.  Do I write when I am lonely? Why do I want readers?  Why do I check stats to see how many readers there were?  Why am I so pleased with praise from Jim and close friends?  Why am I disappointed that there are so few comments compared to readers?  Why did I put myself out there in this way?

 I was "ruminating" as Brooks said and that was not a good way to sleep!

So here I am, processing through writing again.  I won't share this one on Facebook however.

I often end a blog with a word of thanksgiving.  When I am wakeful during the night,  I am  thankful to be able to have a pretty free schedule and no work responsibilities.    And I am thankful to be able to write about my thoughts!

A New School Year

I have had absolutely no regrets about the new school year starting without me!  My supervisor emailed with various "opportunities" for me to return to work but said I could "candidly but guiltily" decline.  I did decline but not with guilt.  Well, maybe just a little because I do not want to see Family Literacy fold and it is always precarious.

I had thought I might be volunteering at the Juvenile Justice Center but, in spite of a very warm response from the head of probation, that has not seemed to work out.   I might still volunteer with a literacy program at the library but that is not underway yet.

So what does the fall schedule look like?  Every other Monday is continuing docent training at the Snite and the South Bend Museum of Art.  I will need to lead a tour at least once a month and probably more.  Every Tuesday morning is Bible Study at church with my friend Maggie in charge and about a dozen other women-all younger than I am.

And as of yesterday, every Tuesday and Thursday noon will be choir rehearsals with the Notre Dame Repertory Choir, a group that exists to give student conductors a chance to practice and that I hope will give me a chance to sing as a part of a group without the stress of frequent performances.  I was delighted to be accepted after a rather thorough audition and tickled to be offered a position as a paid member!  I turned the pay down; someone else needs it far more than I do, I'm sure.

Monday evenings, Maggie and I are going to try a water aerobics class at Notre Dame's pool.  That should be an adventure.

I am looking forward to a solo road trip in two weeks to Brown County, Indiana and a longer road trip with Jim along the Mississippi River in October.  There's Jim's annual convention in November in San Diego and probably Thanksgiving on the east coast with the kids.  And I just sent in a deposit (single supplement!) on a trip to Turkey and Greece with a group from St. John's Abbey in September 2015, a trip that includes Ephesus and Patmos and Santorini--made to order for me!

Some activities will continue as they have before.  Practicing the organ and traveling to Kalamazoo to visit Jim's mom are part of my at least bi-weekly routine.   Jim will continue reading with kids at Tarkington Elementary School and I probably should also.

So, my life looks busy enough but not too busy.  I pray for the good health and energy to enjoy each day.